Two thoughts come to mind as I reread your letter. First, do you want to change? If you desire to change that part of your personality that you find unholy then you must believe the next truth. All things are possible within the Lord and His will for His people. Secondly, do you want to bring your desire for change before the Lord?
If you have prayed to know the Lord's will for you and your family and if through prayer you believe that the Lord is moving you towards a homeschooling lifestyle then it would seem that the next step would be to come before the Lord with an open and willing heart and ask that He provide you the grace necessary to become the role model you feel you should be for your children.
To my mind the most loving of teachers is the one who knows she is in need of change and through her docility of spirit is willing to go to the Lord for the help necessary. You can be that teacher. You have shown that you are willing to examine yourself and through the Lord's empowerment you will and can change if the desire to do so is there.
Let us offer up our prayers today for all those moms who are struggling with addictions and severe unholy behaviors that threatened to rob them of their dignity and their children.
Sending out a prayer,