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Home > Support > Family Life > My seven year old is so selfish and I'm getting discouraged about his attitude....
 
 
Question: My seven year old can be so sweet but he is more often extremely selfish, pouty, stubborn and defiant towards me. I have threatened several times to put him in public school, but that wouldn't solve anything except maybe temporarily during the day. I am dreading school starting and the constant battles to get him to do anything.

He wanted to take violin lessons (Suzuki method) about eight months ago. The method involves a triangle of parent, teacher and child. I am to help him with his bowing and holding his violin, etc. He frowns constantly and pulls away when I touch him. His teacher tells him all the time that it is very important that mother helps him. I don't want him to quit and get the impression that if he acts rotten he'll get his way. I am telling you this as an example because we have the same thing with academics and religion. I am very discouraged.
Answer:

Dear Mom,

Nothing befuddles our resolve to remain calm and focused upon the tasks of parenting like a child that appears to deliberately sabotage our efforts with disrespect.

I admire your wanting to get to the root of the problem. It appears that there is an undercurrent of disrespect with regards to the discipline required of humans to master challenges. All of us must learn from early on that we must discipline ourselves to remain steady and hardworking amidst difficulties.

All too often people who have not learned this important virtue find that they have increasing difficulty being happy and feeling confident. They tend to jump from one task to another looking for the skill that requires little or no "work" yet reaps great reward. I suppose this is in everyone's nature. Our human weaknesses present us with constant battles. Jesus works with us despite our weakness and if we will allow, He gives us the strength to overcome our demons.

It seems that there are two issues with your young man. He has fallen into a habit of being "mouthy" and he does not seem to want to develop a strong work ethic.

Do not feel discouraged. It is a blessing that he has been gifted with such a mother as yourself. Surely you have to believe that the Lord in His love for your son chose you for his mother because you are the perfect parent for him and the challenges he presents.

Go forward into parenting this little guy with confidence. Call upon the Lord and ask for the empowerment to know the correct approach to take with the struggles you face.

Disrespect should never be tolerated. Children need to know that they are capable of creating great sorrow in another person when they say comments that are rude and hurtful. Sometimes it is as if children forget that their moms have feelings as well. Never repay rudeness with rudeness. This is hard for me. I am so affected by the rudeness of my teens (when they are rude, which is not always) that it makes me angry and I lose sight of the teaching opportunity that has been presented. Pray for a quiet spirit during this time after your son has been sassy. Wait for the Lord to give you the words that will touch his heart. Try to refrain from threatening your son with public school. This sets up a mindset that homeschooling is less school or that there is something to fear in public school. Disrespect is not a reason to send a child to public or private school, it is in and of itself a situation that needs to be dealt with no matter where the child goes to school.

We must teach our children to develop a sensible work ethic. This alone will be their greatest asset as they progress in their learning.

I would like to take a few moments to address the music lessons. All of my children have studied piano. Some are better musicians than others. Some began their studies in piano and continued with practicing, etc. no matter the difficulty. Those that only thought they wanted to take piano discontinued shortly after it became apparent that I was going to have to needle them to practice. I do not believe in begging or rewarding a child to practice the piano. As I see it, taking music lessons is a privilege. If you are ready for the privilege then you should be ready for the responsibility that always accompanies a privilege. I merely take note of who practices and who does not.

If you do not practice then your lessons are canceled. We are not able to financially afford piano for a child who will not accept the responsibility to practice. Practicing is fundamental to success with regards to music lessons.

If a child wants to quit piano, then it is his responsibility alone to tell the teacher he no longer wishes to continue the study. I do not speak with the teacher on his behalf. Here again, if you are old enough to request lessons, then you should be old enough to speak with your teacher yourself. After all it is between the child and the teacher. If I have to cancel the lessons because the student refuses to practice then the child is responsible to tell the teacher that they will no longer be attending and the reason.

We have worked under these guidelines for 23 years. It works for us. Our children enjoy music and find it to be a great outlet for creativity. I am supportive 100% as long as everyone lives up to the privilege/responsibility mindset.

Keep up the good work. Take some time this summer to be fully mom and let the teacher hat rest for a bit. You will enter the new school year with greater momentum if you take some time off.

Jesus, please send a fresh anointing of the Holy Spirit to this dear mom. She is dealing with challenges that are creating a sense of unworthiness in her. Show her worth in Your eyes. Allow that her son develop a teachable spirit and make the experience of homeschooling more fruitful. We love You, Lord, and long to see Your face. Amen.

Sending out a prayer,

Rita Munn

   
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