Dear Mom,

I think that the issue at this point is an appropriate understanding of what it means to be a grandparent. Certainly each family has an understanding of this position that is relative to their family. That is to say, how I feel about grandparenting is going to be different to your understanding. For example, here in our small town it is not at all unusual for grandparents to have a very large share in parenting their grandchildren, even to the degree of having their homes, etc. return to the days when they themselves had children. However in my family this is not at all possible, as our grandchildren live 2 hours away. Therefore when our grandchildren come for a visit it is a holiday in every sense of the word. Yet my daughter has definite rules that she wishes for us to abide with. For example she prefers that they not travel around in our car as she does not want to switch out the car seats. She likes for us to use her car when we are transporting the 'girls'. She has definite bed times, nap times and eating habits that she insists are maintained. I do not mind because it is important to me that she feels that she can trust us to follow her house rules with regard to parenting the girls. After all my husband and myself parented the way we preferred and now it is our daughter's time to do so. We are careful to ask her permission for the girls to watch a movie, etc. We do not have television and therefore many times the 'girls' must bring their favorite movies with them. Yet, our daughter prefers that we ask her before allowing the girls to watch a movie.

Though all of this seems tedious, I feel that it is important to understand that being a grandparent is a position of trust not power. I am not, nor do I want to be, more powerful than their parents, in the life of my grandchildren. I do not want to have my way because I am the grandparent. I feel very strongly that my position is to support the parents of my grandchildren.

My grandchildren's other set of grandparents actually live across the street from them. I know that they are able to spend much more time with these grandparents than is possible for me to spend however this is not a reason for me to insist on a greater share of responsibility or influence. Grandchildren are first and foremost the children of their parents. Their parents have the higher responsibility and anointing from the Lord to parent, discipline, and care for the children. It is their holy witness of steadfast parenting that is important. Though it would be wonderful if our granddaughters lived nearer, it brings me great peace each day because I do not 'need' to have them living close. In other words our daughter and her husband are wonderful parents who have the welfare of my grandchildren at the center of their lives. There is no need for my husband or myself to compete for time with the girls or to pine away wishing they were here, or to feel the need to intercede and in some way 'parent' our grandchildren. This is a great blessing and I praise the Lord and thank Him each day for this gift.

Still grandparents have a special place in the lives of their grandchildren. It is a holy witness of the continuity of life and the power of family in one's life that makes fostering this relationship vital to the joy of children. When our granddaughters visit we have several small rituals that we enjoy and look forward to sharing. One of these is tea time. Each morning when the girls come downstairs, still fuzzy headed and dressed in their p.j.'s, we share a cup of morning tea. This small ritual is so special to me. Catherine goes straight to the china cabinet in the kitchen where I keep her little teacups (little espresso cups) and carefully sets the tea things out on the chopping block in the kitchen. She listens for the water to boil and calls me when the teapot sings. We pour tea (she has cambric tea) and enjoy the quiet of the morning. In fact this ritual was so special to her that she was a bit reluctant to share it with her younger sister. However there is no keeping 'little sister' out of the mix as she is 2 years old and demands her share of the action.

You must parent according to your desires and find a balance between the issues with grandparents. Do not feel that you must compromise your parenting in order to please a grandparent. There have been times when I thought my daughter's house rules were a bit too severe (insisting on naps when the girls are visiting) yet the bottom line is .....she is their mother. She is in charge and that's that. When discussions arise for example about nap times, the oldest girl will look to me and say "Nanaw, Mommy wants me to take a nap but I don't want to. Tell Mommy that I don't have to take a nap. You are her mother and she has to do what you say." Ohhhhh tricky! I'm not going there. I reply, "Mommy is in charge of you not me. You take your nap like she says and I will be here when you wake up. We'll have tea and read a book."

As parents feel they can trust grandparents to support them in their efforts to parent, a better relationship is forged. Power struggles are self defeating and in the end hurt the children. I would much rather you be too protective than too much the other way. You must parent the way you feel is best. Bottom line, those children are yours and as such you have the greater responsibility to bear and to answer for. Do your best and let the rest alone. Be firm and be kind in your judgments and pray to walk forward without holding resentments or misunderstandings.

I admire your sweet nature and I feel that this struggle has created a certain confusion in your spirit and perhaps a bit of pain. The Lord will honor your desire to be a peacemaker and get beyond the details. Do what you feel is right. Go forward into your parenting. What a joy to read a letter from a mommy who is concerned about the spiritual upbringing of her children. Praise God. Thank you for writing.

Let us pray together a Hail Mary for all those children that do not have adults to nurture them and protect them. Lord, we ask that those who are responsible for the care of children put the spiritual needs of those children at the center of their efforts. Lord, we pray each day that the lives of children are impacted in a loving and positive way through the influence of grandparents, coaches, teachers, physicians, priests, religious, and anyone who comes in contact with children. Amen.

Sending out a prayer,

Rita Munn