Dear Mom,

This is certainly a sign of the times isn't it? It seems that the practice of living together is far more common than ever before. It is a sorrow and certainly a risk to the fullness of marriage when persons who espouse to love one another endanger the richness and commitment of the marriage covenant with this practice. They are in need of our prayer and our continued loving and quiet witness of the Lord's desire that man and woman be joined in a holy union in imitation of the Lord's union with man.

Having older children I can tell you that there comes a time in the raising of children that parents are asked to express our personal opinions with regards to faith, moral, and lifestyles. It would be lovely if these issues remained unspoken and we did not have to cross the line into issues that are strong and disturbing.

Children must know the difference between right and wrong. Children are actually better able to accept black and white answers with greater ease than wishy-washy replies that only lead to confuse and confound their thoughts. It is perfectly acceptable to state your reasoning and feelings with regards to this issue. Remember however, children are very moved by the emotions of their parents. When we must tell them something that seems to go against the norm for the social times it is important to do so with love and understanding. If we show our anger or are judgmental this only proves to upset them and in some situations causes them to rebel against our prudent advice.

Teaching children right from wrong begins the moment they are able to understand our instructions. The issues that you are asked to face with your children are just the tip of the iceberg aren't they? Teaching about living a chaste and pure life begins in the very earliest years, through our own example and continues throughout life. It is possible to teach this value and many others without drawing attention to the lifestyles of those who do not follow this prudence. When we teach with love and with the conviction that living a particular way is not only pleasing to Jesus but is pleasing to Jesus because He loves us and desires that our lives be spared unnecessary sorrow. The Lord's teachings and instruction is given out of love and for our own knowledge so that we might enjoy the fullness of life as is possible while on earth.

When we point to the evil in others or the wrong in their life we are confusing our children and sending a message that the persons are wrong and not worthy somehow of the Lord's love. This is not our intention. As parents we never know when we might have to face issues in our own children that go against what is right and holy. Therefore we do not want to lay a foundation built upon judgmental condemnation or lack of love.

In your situation I think I would explain to the children (if they are aware of the issues surrounding the marriage) why this is risky to the happiness of the marriage. This I would do if they ask me specific questions concerning the couple to be married. Children understand when parents tell them that certain ways of behavior are dangerous and invite sorrow. It isn't so much that you and your husband do not approve of the persons involved (this is not what you want them to hear) but that certain behaviors are dangerous and cause people to risk being unhappy and sad. This is really the message that is the most important. This message is a lifelong message that will be with them as they mature.

For example, when you teach about the danger of running into the street, you do not say, "Mommy and Daddy do not like to see you run into the street because it is wrong to do so." You say, "Running into the street is very dangerous and can cause you to get hurt very badly. It makes Mommy and Daddy sad to think about you getting hurt." What would you say if they witnessed another child run into the street? Perhaps you would say, "How sad that that little boy does not know how dangerous it is to run into the street. Do you suppose that his mommy may have forgotten to tell him how dangerous it is to play this way? Let us pray for him and ask that the Lord guard and protect him." In this way you are opening up a dialog that invites their input and begins the process of reasoning through problems.

I would pray about the weddings that you are being asked to attend. I would discern whether or not to attend and then remain strong in the answer. I would not explain my reason to the children from a standpoint of condemnation but out of conviction. This will be difficult if the persons to be married are close family. I think that above all else we want to imitate Jesus in His response to persons and teach our children to respond to others with this same type of compassion. Jesus extols us to see one another's wings despite the warts that are there in all of us. It is better that children learn that certain behaviors will harm them and this is the reason that we do not behave in a negative way. Strive to celebrate that which is good in others and teach from love that which is harmful.

Jesus, we ask that You guide this dear mother in her desire to instruct her children in the holiness that You call us to. Give her a fresh anointing of thy Holy Spirit. Give her the words that are anointed as well when she deals with the issues she must face. Lord, she is Your loving and faithful daughter and longs to do Your will. Please, Lord, give all parents the courage and the compassion to face strong issues, relying upon Your wisdom and strength. Our Lady of Perpetual Help, pray for us.

Sending out a prayer,
Rita Munn