Dear Mom,

From the tone of your letter I am going to assume that you and your husband have discussed the issue of homeschooling at great length. When we describe someone as being 'anti' we are saying that this person has formed an opinion based upon facts that they have gathered, read, or been exposed to concerning the subject matter. This is not to say that the information that the person is using is true or correct but that after consideration of the facts as they see it they have formed an opinion.

This can be both a sorrow and a major frustration within a marriage. Marriages are built on many levels and being able to disagree about issues takes the healing power of grace. Some issues can remain a difference of opinion throughout the life of the marriage owing to the nature of the disagreement and not cause undo harm to the health of the marriage. For example my husband and I disagree about the way our shared home office should be kept. I like my side of the office neat and tidy. He on the other hand works best when there are piles of papers and clutter on his desk. When you walk into the office you can not only see two desks that look very different but two personalities represented in the desks. I had to learn to respect his method and he mine. (I also learned not to throw any of his 'clutter' away without his permission.) However some issues are so important that they do not lend themselves to compromise. For example suppose a husband does not want his wife attending Mass. This type of disagreement would be very serious and could require the help of a professional marriage counselor or priest.

I see from your information that you are planning to begin homeschooling in the upcoming Fall. Have you and your husband reached a compromise concerning homeschooling despite his strong opinions? If so then I think that there is actually another issue (and to my mind a more important issue) than his anti-homeschooling stance.

When we agree to disagree we are in effect working to compromise and support one another despite our differences. Let's go back to the desk arrangement in my office. I do not agree with my husband's method of organization however I have to admit that it works for him. I don't understand how it can work for him, because it doesn't look at all efficient to me but it does appear to work. In the same respect I am not going to needle him at every turn to make his desk look neat like mine or 'clean' up when he is not looking.

If you are going to homeschool despite your husband's opinions is there an understanding about his ability to support you in this choice? Is there an agreement that he will not thwart your efforts? Is there an agreement that he will financially support your choice? Will he leave his negative opinions and comments unsaid, most especially in front of the children? Will he offer help with schooling when the time comes or the need arises? And most importantly can he keep an open mind and agree to allow his opinion to change after personal experience with homeschooling?

If your husband tells you that he can not agree to the above conditions, then you really have no choice but to seriously consider rethinking your choice to homeschool. There is the potential in this challenge to create a situation that could adversely affect every other issue you and your husband must deal with.

A husband and wife do not need to think alike to have a healthy marriage but they must have an open dialog about disagreements. In order to move through such disagreements it is vital that husband and wife find common ground within the concern. Certainly your husband loves his children and wants them to have the great blessing of a good education. I am going to believe that you want the same for your children. This is your common ground and the place that is positive within the disagreement. Once common ground has been established the next step is to address the fears, concerns, or misinformation that makes total agreement impossible. It may also mean that a third party will have to enter into the discussions. (I am thinking that perhaps a more experienced homeschooling father, who has traveled this journey, could more effectively address your husband's negative opinions through accurate information.) After discussion, the next step is to decide if you can move forward despite the disagreement or if there must be relinquishing of one stance for the other.

This relinquishing of course works both ways.

Using your common ground (the education of the children) as your base look to see if your disagreement will adversely affect your children. This will require the graces borne of a Sacramental marriage, prayer and a docility of heart that is of the Lord. Husbands and wives must pray together in order to weather the storms these issues have the potential to bring into a marriage. Too many times we forget that there is a wellspring of graces waiting to be tapped into and utilized. Prayer allows the Holy Spirit the freedom to work within a situation and bring about a certain peace that is of the Lord.

Ask those who are aware of your challenge to pray for you and your husband. Pray for the Holy Spirit's will to be done and for a docility of heart. Jesus wants your marriage to be holy and peaceful. Go forward in this truth to work through the challenges presented.

I admire you very much. Your family is quite young and this in itself presents challenges. I sense that you and your husband are trying to work through this concern. I also sense that though your husband disagrees with homeschooling he is a loving daddy who is helpful and ready to do whatever it takes to ensure the well being of his family.

St. Joseph Protector of Families, please guide and direct the discussions and discernment within this marriage. We ask that you protect all fathers and through your intercession bring them to Your Divine Son. Please allow that this dear father be healthy and capable. Allow that he have a heart for the Lord. St. Joseph pray for us.

Sending out a prayer,

Rita Munn