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Question:

Hello, I have written a pleading note to you in the past and the advice and suggestions I was given were not only helpful but most comforting so here I am faced with another homeschool challenge and I hope it's okay that I have come back again!

My 11 year old daughter has been homeschooled since 2nd grade. (She's in 5th) Her oldest sister attends an archdiocesan high school. She has asked her father and me if she can go to the Catholic elementary school. She is being encouraged by her local friends who also attend this school. She has a need to be an inclusive part of that circle as well as receiving some attention from them about the possibility of her attending. My gut reaction is NO!!!! I am scheduling some time for adoration to pray and offer my lack of patience and understanding about this. I was wondering if anyone had children that expressed this (I'm almost sure you have!) and what are some words of encouragement and understanding I can offer her. She is being tempted by her peers. I know that because something seems attractive and easy it isn't always best but I don't know how to offer her that "wisdom" with a dose of understanding her struggles or alternative options for her. Any suggestions? Thanks!

Answer:

Dear Mom,

You can write this forum with a concern as many times as you feel called by the Spirit to do so. I appreciate your letter and am sure that other moms will find solace and comfort in your purity of heart when sharing the challenges that you are facing.

You are correct. We have had this very discussion several times over the years of homeschooling. I usually approach these conversations with the same reply and add to it as is necessary to meet the needs of all those involved.

When talk of going to another school comes up in our home my husband and myself approach it with the same candid talk that we would use if the children were wanting to go to another secular school, public school, or private school. I like to think of homeschooling as 'school'. We have enrolled the children in a school that happens to meet each day in their home. Homeschooling is the method that we choose as a family to educate our children.

However there are certain elements of this discussion between you and your daughter that bear consideration. For example, is she asking for more time to devote to extracurricular activities that would be acceptable to you and to your family's lifestyle? Is she wanting to be with her friends? Remember that when children get together they rarely talk about school, however school is the place where they see each other. They prefer instead to spend time talking about issues with friends and some of these come up at school. Encourage your daughter to remain close to her peer group and to be interested in what they are discussing. She can find that her input will be important because she is not so close to some of the issues. It is important that your daughter view her friendship with these girls as worthy and special (not solely based upon attending the same school). However if these girls are not the type of friends that would be peaceful for your daughter then it is time to seek new friends. Remind her that true friends share so much more than just the location of the school they attend. I have dear friends that live hours away, yet they are the ones that I feel best able to share my feelings with.

You and your daughter sit quietly and talk about the concerns that are on her heart. It has always been my experience that what children present on the surface is just the tip of the iceberg. What they say is really not always the best indicator of what they wish they could say. But with patience and time and an understanding heart that desires to teach and listen, I believe that you will get to the bottom of this latest issue in your household.

Do you have plans to send her to the Catholic highschool when the time comes? It only seems reasonable that if this is the plan, then perhaps you can discuss that option with her. If however there are no plans to do this, then I would not bring that option up to her.

Children are always testing the waters. They want to make certain that they understand our rules, requests, and plans. In order to do this they question and debate, especially those dear children that are in the junior highschool years. This is a good thing and a healthy mindset. It encourages them to question and debate those issues later in life with which they disagree. If a child can count on their parents to be listeners, and to quietly allow for discussion and to give their opinions firmly and with conviction, then a child will feel eager to bring issues to the parents. Parents will become the centered force in the debates that are inevitable in life.

My best suggestion would be to communicate clearly with your daughter and allow that she do most of the talking. Listen with all your heart and seek to speak within the Holy Spirit. You are going to do great. I admire you very much. It is a holy act of courage to share these kinds of day to day challenges. Within our sharing of parenting struggles we are better able to receive the help of the Body of Christ. Go forward and it is my guess that this discussion is the news for this week and will soon be forgotten (only to come up again in a month or so). Pray for a quiet peaceful spirit that allows for give and take in the discussions.

Let us pray together a Hail Mary and offer up our prayers for all those dear children that do not have anyone of worth that they can come to with their challenges. Children need to have the freedom to be totally a child at times, especially when they are beginning to experience what it is like to sort through very adult challenges. Amen.

Sending out a prayer,

Rita Munn

   
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