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Question: For 8 years we have successfully homeschooled gradeschool for our 5 children. We send them to a very good, Catholic Highschool in our diocese. Two of our daughters have already left the nest for high school and college and are doing very well in their school. Our third daughter has felt a little like a girl without a country since her older sisters are gone. Recently, she was confirmed through our local parish and met some very nice 7th graders. Now she wants to go to 8th grade at our parish with her new friends. We belong to a homeschool co-op which meets on Fridays, but she hasn't really found her niche there. I am so heartbroken at the thought of sending her to school even one year earlier than planned. She is a joy to be around... a really special girl. She rarely complains and is a huge help around the house. I still had so much planned for that one last year at home. In addition, sending her to school would cause some extra logistical problems and demands on my time which would take me away from my younger two. But, she really wants to feel like she belongs somewhere and have some good friends who are happy to be with her. Sad to say, she is a little "invisible" among the girls at the co-op and doesn't feel included. Do you have any suggestions. I love her so much and really want to do what is best for her. As my 19 year old told me, "It isn't about you, Mom." I realize that. Am I being selfish?
Answer:

Dear Mom,

Your children are growing up, and you have given them a wonderful academic, spiritual, and psychological background. That is not being selfish. Making adjustments to your plans can be difficult, but you do not want to turn this situation into a friends versus family conflict. Some children have a greater need for socializing within their age group. This experience of finding friends she belongs with is important to your third daughter, especially if she is feeling invisible in the homeschooling co-op. She knows that she can make friends and belong, and naturally, she wants more of that positive experience.

I would allow her to attend the parish school if at all possible. This will require sacrifice on your part, but she can probably help with the younger two or take up another chore to free a little more of your time. Perhaps the younger two children can do some learning in the car on the way to and from school? Your nineteen year old is right, but it isn't all about the third daughter either since you still have two younger children who deserve your time and attention. Discuss with your third daughter how you can all work together to meet everyone's needs.

At fifteen, my son was unable to focus on home schooling when his two sisters left for college. Although I had plenty of teaching experience, wonderful resources, and more time than ever before, we simply could not make any progress, and he asked to attend a Catholic school. Yes, it was quite a struggle to let go of the home schooling plans, to find the extra money, and to get everyone where they needed to be on time! Somehow we worked it out. Now that one of his sisters has her own apartment and the other one is making plans to move out, he seems to be going through the same emotions. He's outgoing and is realizing how alone he is going to be at home although he has many friends through college, work, and the Web. But he is still anticipating the loss. At twenty, he feels left behind. It's an uncomfortable feeling even for a young adult.

You have the right attitude of wanting what is best for your daughter. Talk through the situation with her and with the younger children too, since they will be affected by the outcome. Pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit, Who is also the Spirit of Love. 

Peace be with you,

Sandra Garant

   
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