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Question: As I have been homeschooling for four years, the children and I have such joy, peace and minus a few growing pains here and there all is going great. My husband does not support my effort. In the four years he has not once acknowledged that the children are learning anything at all. I feel heartbroken and though I feel so strongly it's the right thing to do for a Catholic family today and it fits our family so beautifully, he is just not on board. He said I could do it, but he has not come around in a positive way. I am feeling a bit defeated. Our kids are great well rounded kids. They do chores, are respectful, helpful, great in groups, can speak in front of a group, I couldn't ask for anything more, other than my husband being by my side. Should I just send the children to public school since I don't really have his blessing or am I being too sensitive? I felt like this was a direct word from God to my heart to do this, but what happens when your spouse doesn't see it that way? I have been considering public school, but I fear all the work done and values instilled will be tainted. What to do? Any advice will be so much appreciated. I am at a loss. Thanks in advance for your time.
Answer:

Dear Parent,

Not feeling the support of your husband can be devastating. I know how important that support is. When a home schooling mother doesn't feel that approval from her husband, it seems as if what she has so carefully built is being eroded day by day. It's frustrating and stressful.

Let's sort through this situation. You feel strongly about home schooling and indicate that it fits your family beautifully. Your children are growing academically, spiritually, and emotionally. You feel at peace about home schooling and have had four years of experience.  And you are anxious about sending your children to public school. You are very involved in your children's lives and focused on them, and this is as it should be. Nevertheless, your husband is not going to be able to experience these perfectly appropriate feelings in the same way because his role is different.

This difference in feelings is difficult for many women and men. In The Mystical City of God, there is a moving description of the time lapse in God's speaking to Mary through the angel and Joseph's understanding of the situation. She knows beyond all doubt that God has spoken to her and is doing great things through her, but she is restrained from explaining this to Joseph, and he is greatly troubled and at a loss. His role and what God is expecting from him are different from her role and God's expectations of her.

Your husband has said that you can home school. He does not appear to be actively against it. This may be hard to believe, but some men may rate this as being strongly positive. I have heard and seen that men view not getting in a woman's way as strong positive support, whereas women expect and need more active assistance. Home schooling is a major undertaking, and in my opinion, the children's success does depend to a degree upon active support from their father. In your husband's view, he may believe that he is providing active support.

As you may have guessed, I am going to advise you to discuss this matter with your husband. I would suggest a particular approach at a particular time. Since you want his full attention, make sure that he's not rushed and not hungry. (I know that sounds like a cliche, but when I was working at a bank, many disagreements arose right before lunch. Low blood sugar turns men and women into real grouches.) Then acknowledge what he has done so far in support of home schooling. Thank him for agreeing to allow you to home school and for providing the necessary financial support. Ask him for help with a specific project or activity that he would have an interest in or some expertise to share. For example, if he enjoys math or science, perhaps you could engage him in a science experiment or a math game with the children at a time that is convenient for him. If he isn't engaged in any of the home schooling activities, he won't have a basis for understanding your feelings. Also listen carefully when you acknowledge his efforts and when he joins in with the activity. He may be expressing his approval in ways that you are not aware of.

In the event that he doesn't want to join in, then ask him how he feels about home schooling. Be careful to focus on his feelings and not to fish for approval. He may feel uncomfortable, anxious, out-of-touch, or even envious. People have strong feelings about education because of the quality of the education they received, and he may be receiving critical comments at work. My husband received a great deal of unsolicited advice from co-workers and family members about how we were ruining our children's lives and our finances. That kind of daily disapproval wears a person down.

This issue will probably take time to resolve. You may simply have to be patient if he is unable to provide the level of support you are seeking.

If you feel peace about home schooling and believe strongly that God is calling you to teach your children, then I certainly cannot advise you to disturb your peace and go against God's will. 

God bless you and your family.

Sandra Garant

   
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