Dear Mom,

Let's begin at the beginning with regards to the questions that you are raising. First and foremost it is important that we understand that young people at this age are learning to be adults. They are exploring all the options that they can think of and they are wondering and questioning many ideas and issues. As adults in training it is necessary that they say things outloud (so to speak) in order to see how they sound or to imagine how those ideas would fit into their life plan. When your lovely daughter states that she 'likes being by myself' and ' I want to live alone'; what she actually may be inferring is "I wonder what I will do or how I will feel if no one finds me worthy and I never get asked to be someone's wife?" The concept of dating and courting to nurture a permanent relationship built on love, companionship and a mutual faith walk whereby intimacy imitates the Christ-like relationship Jesus has with the Body of Christ is beyond her comprehension. And so it should be. She is after all only a girl, how would it be possible for her to leap in her thoughts to something as deep and life changing as marriage and children. In many ways her desire to be alone may in fact be a healthier desire than you or I realize. All humans must learn first to fully appreciate themselves and find themselves worthy in order to enter into relationships that require as much give and take as marriage. The most important life goals are best entered into gently and with much thought.

Young people are as different as snowflakes when it comes to the maturing process. Each human has a different timetable. I like to liken this process to the childbirth process. All my years in Labor and Delivery taught me to understand that each mom and baby need a certain amount of time to complete the process of birthing. Some women need longer labors in order to ready their bodies etc. for birth. Though there are certainly essential guidelines there are equally many versions of normal.

Your daughter is going through the very best of times and the very worst of times all at the same time. Give her the thing that she appears not to need (through her body language and her comments about desiring to be alone). Give large doses of compassion, understanding, and love. Hugs and reaffirmations of her worth are not only vital, they are key to her being able to sort through the confusion. Remember that today's statements are tomorrow's afterthoughts. She is exploring many feelings.....our job as parents is to listen, listen, listen. Knowing that she can come to you in the safety of the parental/child relationship and talk about ideas or thoughts is more precious than you will ever know. Gently move your relationship from one of mother/child to woman/girl. In other words let her begin to see in you a woman who is wise and capable and ready to listen and give advice and comment when it is truly necessary. Nothing that your daughter has stated is sinful or contrary to the teachings of the Catholic Church. Now if on the other hand she had stated that she 'wants to move in with her boyfriend for a time before they decide to marry or if they decide to marry' then that is a separate issue altogether. As she begins to trust in your openness and your ability to listen with a quiet heart to her deepest confessions, she will begin to trust in your wisdom and will have grown a relationship that should last her lifetime.

I trust that she will explore other options. My own first born stated while she was in highschool, "I want to be an actress in New York. I want to live by myself as I will have no time for a husband, children or outside interests while I build my career in stage and screen." Today at the grand age of 32 she is married to a lovely dairy farmer, teaches 1st grade in a small rural school and with her husband at her side, is joyfully and busily raising two of the sweetest baby girls a grandmother could ever hope to have. Praise God!! (Shhhh. Just between you and me, I am grateful her plans for a career in theater went by the wayside. However I can assure you that when she first explored this option with her dad and I [the night before graduation] I was beyond the beyond concerned.)

God is good. He has a wonderful plan for each person that He has created through His overwhelming desire to love His creation. Pray. Ask for the wisdom to speak when necessary and the understanding to love when it appears that you are being pushed away. Know in your heart that when a human pushes us away they are actually desiring to pull us closer through a reaffirmation of our love for them. Be there in times of confusion and be ready to do the hardest task a mom must be called to do ...... listen, listen, listen.

Let us pray together a Hail Mary for all those teens that do not know the comfort of a family that is loving and ready to provide the care and nurturing so vital to growth and development. Let us offer our prayers on their behalf this day. Amen.

Sending out a prayer,

Rita Munn